Glass Case of Emotion

My life is currently in shambles and I am in self destruct mode. About a month and a half ago my boyfriend of 2.5 years sorta bailed on me, moved out, and now is telling me to find a new place to live. Well, living in South Florida is not an easy thing for a single person to do. The cost of living is outrageous and even thought I make decent money, living on my own does not seem like an option. I have had horror stories with roommates and my last apartment was burglarized and my life was stolen from me. The anxiety facing this whole endeavor is overwhelming.

I have had a rough couple of months. My best friend in the world recently lost her mother to whom I was fairly close with. It was sudden and unexpected (we think it was a drug overdose). The same day we found out that her mother had passed, I received a phone call and was told my father had a heart attack. He was initially okay but it has started a downward spiral. All the while, I have been living alone and basically keeping to myself feeling depressed as ever.

My mom has also been in town which is rough because she doesn't care about me at all (I am not trying to feel sorry for myself). It is a ridiculous situation and I should know better than to EVER expect anything from her. Maybe if I got pregnant and starting using IV drugs than I would have her attention, as my sister did. I havent had her attention for more than half my life so why would I need it now.

While my mom was in town, my (ex?)boyfriend was up my ass for me to pay attention to him. What he doesnt understand is that I don't want my mom to know ANY of my business hence the reason I did not like to talk to him in front of HER. She was already trying to pry into my business as it was. He called me up a week from today and told me that he was done and I need to start looking for a place to live and left off with calling me a dramatic bitch (I was trying to tell him I had too much on my plate and did not have a chance to think about our situation). How cold was that, to call me dramatic bitch?

So enough rambling about all my going ons. This week my misophonia SKYROCKETED because my mom is a huge trigger. Her gum chewing makes me want to cry and it got to the point where I would say something rude, put on my headphones or just go to bed. Why does it effect me so? Whats funny is that I was talking to my aunt yesterday and she mentioned that her son (my cousin) might suffer from it as well as my Grandpa. I can remember my Grandpa's rage when things would trigger him. Funny thing is that he was a huge trigger of mine. He would tap the steering column when he got nervous and clear his throat (drove me batty).

When my aunt and I were talking about how I think I may have misophonia, my mom called me a hypochondriac, which pissed me off so bad. I will admit that I am a hypochondriac to a point - if my girlfriends kids have strep throat I will feel my throat become itchy - but this misophonia condition has been a huge deal to my the past six or so months. Ever since I found out about it I have been researching and learning. It is sad that almost everyone I have told about it has something extremely negative to say. It breaks my heart, but hey what can I do about it ?

I have actually been going to therapy and she has also been researching Misophonia as well. She first heard about it on 20/20 although I knew about it before then. The problem is, now that I live alone I am not triggered as much anymore (only at work).

I appreciate you taking the time to read this!

Cheers!

Boy Oh Boy

The interval between posts must become SHORTER. My triggers are starting to bother me more and more with worse outcomes. The carpet makes me have to make a noise louder than the carpet sound, does that make sense? Not really, but lets say the feet are dragging on the floor, I will make a noise that may drown it out. People may look at me weird and think that I am over exaggerating or "faking it" but what can you do?
The fact that Prozac may have helped subdue my triggers is very interesting although I am not quite sure what it means. Does that mean that it is in fact a chemical in-balance, a neurological issue? I blamed the Prozac for losing my hair but guess what, my hair is STILL falling out and I have been off the Prozac for months now. I think it may be stress but its been falling out for about a year now. My dermatologist says that it is Telogen Effluvium and I have lost a significant amount of weight in the past few years but this is ridiculous. I am used to having beautiful THICK hair and now its pathetic. It stresses me out even more when I get out of the shower and look at the loss of hair. Cry almost every time, cant be good for already elevated stress levels. Excuse my tangent but it REALLY bothers me and I have gone to several doctors and had lots of blood drawn.
Life without a antidepressant is super unstable. I've struggled almost all my life (starting around ~12ish, if you can believe that). I go through spurts of being on medication and not and the NOT spurt is horrendous for me and all included. Constant cycle of up down up down up down up.. not fun and REALLY hard to keep lasting relationships. This final time that I have started medication was because my boyfriend basically gave me an ultimatum, see a psychiatrist or I am gone.. Well, I knew that I had problems so I chose to see a psychiatrist. Money is another issue that may not lead me to the best treatment possible. I went to the one doctor because he gave me a discount for my lack of mental health coverage. Eventually, he kind of just DISAPPEARED and left me stranded (the reason I gave up the Prozac, didn't have any refills left and DR VANISHED!)I still have yet to google review his ass!
Its been hard lately because my self diagnosed Misophonia has been creeping up more and more. The carpet sound makes me grind my teeth and want to SCREAM so loud. Although, I have told my boyfriend how the scraping of his teeth across the fork really bothers me so he tries his hardest to not do it. My dad told me that inmates used to do that to eachother to get a rise so I told him that but he didnt think it was very funny or serious. Did I mention THROAT CLEARING? That is MORE AND MORE starting to irritate the hell out of me. I know a few people that do it when they get anxious or nervous and it makes me want to A. punch someone or something or B. get up and walk out of the room and far far away (which is the better option). I have to listen in on phone conversations and the throat clearing during conversation irks me to no end. I feel so bad for feeling this way because it makes me feel (not hatred.. IDK the word I am looking for) to the people that are performing these actions when in reality they are the people I love and cherish the most! But I did read somewhere that Misophonia may be more likely to cause you to be triggered by people you care about much more than random strangers.
I have to go now! I promise to write soon! <3

Misophonic Girl

Well, I am not an expert by any means on Misophonia and through the power vested in google I have finally found a term that can describe these terrible feelings of nausea, rage and utter disgust. One night, a special someone was walking around my apartment and the sound of his feet DRAGGING against the carpet literally led me to tears, I googled "sound of feet on carpet drives me insane" and through various sites and suggestions I was able to relate to the condition Misophonia. I went into a state of awe because how shocked I was

to find that I may not be completely crazy, happiness because I am NOT alone, confusion because how can you explain this to someone? Oh Ya, I have this thing that when I hear certain noises, it can trigger fits of rage.. ya, that's easy to explain to my loved ones. I also immediately began a cry fest because I finally was able to determine what the fuck this was that has been haunting me for years. I truly sat in bed for a good hour just reading all about this new word I've learned and between the tears I was able to identify my affliction. Next, it was onto the hard part of attempting to explain what the hell I am talking about..

Honestly, I've told a handful of people that I may be suffering from this and they basically laughed it off. I wish for one day that they could walk into my shoes and experience the horrible feelings associated with Misophonia. When people close to me do not take this seriously, it is very discomforting. Also suffering from "bi-polar or manic depression" they MUST think I am a real loon, but this justifies why research and education on Misophonia is so important. Could my Misophonia have something to do with my "in balance"? It does seem to be more considerable when I am not on medication, maybe the two coincide with one another? Whatever it is, a solution is not yet clear.

Trust me, I do not wish this on ANYONE and would do anything to "reverse" it, "eliminate" it, even SUBDUE it! It has affected my life in so many ways that just seem unfair, but hey, LIFE IS UNFAIR... As for personal relationships, Misophonia is a major cause of rifts. I cannot blame ALL my problems on this but looking back I can see why I haven't lasted more than 2 years with any man. By the nearing of the 2 years, everything they do drives me nuts. From the way they eat, talk, shuffle their feet.. anything can be a trigger and I, in no way, know how to COPE. I would try just about anything at this point but these kind of treatments and "diagnoses" take time and more importantly MONEY (which I have little extra).

About Me:

I am a 25 (almost 26) year old female living in a hectic city filled with triggers and other external stressors. Thankfully, I work for a small company (2 employees) and the Misophonia doesn't interfere too much with what I do (generally do not have to deal with the public)and if something is bothering me I can easily walk away, listen to music or put headphones on.

My main triggers are food chomping, sucking of the fingers, finger snapping, heavy breathing, snoring, throat clearing, feet against carpet, gum chewing and there are more less crucial triggers. When I hear these sounds I have to work hard to keep myself together. I find when I tell people they become offended but I think I need to work on my approach because it can come off a bit rude but its because I am holding back so much rage, anger and tears! These triggers are enough for me, from time to time, have to go and duck into a bathroom and just cry. Even thinking about them make my eyes well up.

I honestly cannot remember a time when this did not affect who I am. I can remember triggers from most prominent people in my life. My sister and I are 11 months apart and as close as we are in age, we are completely opposite human beings. The first trigger I remember with her is the SNAPPING of the fingers, it drove me absolutely insane. She picked up on how much it irritated me and would use it intentionally against me to send me into those fits of rage. I can now wonder if these situations had anything to do with our constant fighting and our distant relationship (even as adults).

I strongly believe in the ability to laugh at yourself and I usually lighten very dark situations with humor and a nonchalant outlook. Some think it may be "cold" and not such a good way to deal with pain or emotions, but everyone is different and we all have individualized approaches to our happiness, mine being humor. So, let Readers Digest continue to call me a nut, better than calling me late to dinner.

I really created this blog to help with my venting and to connect with others who are suffering (or think they are suffering) from this same disorder, condition, disease; whatever the hell you want to call it.

I am sure I will be adding more in depth information and I hope you find my story interesting!

Wishing you serenity,

Brittany

P.S. If you read this, leave a comment.. negative or positive!